a great barrier
I don’t remember a time when I was one hundred percent secure in my abilities, in my beauty, in my self in general. I remember times when I was less insecure than usual - times when I could talk to people without forgetting to speak - but I also remember times when my insecurities took over my thoughts and made it nearly impossible for me to take the risk of letting myself be vulnerable to the world’s innumerable opinions, not welcome to the resulting jeopardy it would place my comfortability in.
On too many occasions I have allowed the latter to occur, allowed my irrational worries to pile up onto one another and form a great barrier between myself and real opportunities (friendships, leadership positions, paying jobs, choir solos, etcetera and so on). I have always loathed this aspect of myself, how my overwhelming nerves prevent me from taking part in something bigger than myself, how I overthink and over-exaggerate the gravity of each situation until I am whole-heartedly convinced it is much scarier than it truly is.
Any time I gather enough courage to overcome my anxieties, I am reminded of how foolish they are. I slip out of my comfort zone and I am greeted with encouraging words and affirmations of my abilities. I have yet to be disappointed with a decision to defy my personal doubts, regardless of the tangible success, because this defiance proves my perseverance against my inner struggles and always, always, always signifies growth.
As I have mentioned before, I have always been wary of sharing my personal prose with the public for fear of ridicule. This wariness diminished as I was forced to endure criticism while writing for the school newspaper and eventually was expected to constructively criticize others as an editor myself, but it did not disappear. The apprehension lingers still, along with doubts of my true talents and a voice which attempts to convince me to cease sharing my many thoughts, but I actively fight these negativities with each press of the publish button. I have progressively improved on the front of fearlessness and plan to continue doing so every day by powering through the nervousness, suppressing the butterflies which ail my stomach, and ultimately overcoming my fears in order to become a better me. I urge you to try your best to do so also, you won’t be alone - we’ll be fighting the same fight, and getting better together.