no guarantees
my lovely friend erin, at a coffee shop with rory and i. we talked as rory drew in her journal and we all cried about harry styles. days like these are so sweet. may 22, 2017.
I was recently in close proximity to a terrible attack on my college campus. Although I was not hurt physically, a few fellow members of my community were, one of which passed away. Within the days after the incident, we learned more about this boy who was wrapping up his freshman year, just like I was. He loved music and Jesus, just like me. He was on his way to get some lunch at a food truck when someone took his life. It was there and gone in mere moments. It forced me to come to terms with the brevity of life on Earth, and in turn I began to think about how that should reshape the way I live each day.
Even just yesterday we were reminded of how suddenly and unexpectedly life can end - it’s not the first time and it’s not the last time. It could happen anywhere and anytime.
When people wake up each morning, the first thing they think is probably not “Today could be the day I die.” Instead, it’s typically more along the lines of “I wish I could sleep in a while longer,” or “This is what I need to do today.” We don’t want to cloud our minds with the darkness of our inevitable deaths, even though that is the reality - it is inevitable. There are no guarantees that I will live through the day, through the month, or the year. Although it’s harsh, it’s important to remember. By remembering this, I remember the importance of prioritizing the important things, and forgetting the things that don’t matter.
A few months ago, I picked up Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. One of the many altruisms of this book that really affected me, especially now, is this one: “Do what the Buddhists do. Every day, have a little bird on your shoulder that asks, ‘Is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be? Is today the day I die?’”
By keeping this bird on my shoulder, I can remember the important things and forget the silly things. Sweet moments that seemed small before seem bigger and sweeter, simple things that once made me furious seem much less significant, not worth my time or energy. Every day, I want to strive to spread love and light. I don’t want to waste precious time doing something that won’t matter to me in the long run. This includes being upset for too long about things I can’t change (not getting the job, losing someone I love) or things that simply do not matter (what she said about my outfit, what they think about my hair). This also includes being unproductive (watching netflix for days when I could be reading a book or writing, sleeping when I could be awake and living, scrolling mindlessly through social media when I could be having a conversation with someone about the world and our lives). It’s vital to do the things that matter - to be kind and make progress.
When I first understood that each moment could truly be my last, I wondered why I had always taken my time for granted, wasting so much of it on trivial things. This understanding created a new desire to make each day count in a special way - whether that means I spend quality moments with my best friends watching the sunset, having a picnic and eating pizza or with my family making memories, I want people to know I love them, I want them to know I care, always. I never want them to doubt their place in my heart, because there are no guarantees that I will be able to remind them of it tomorrow.
xoxo
mo