forgotten progress
I repeatedly fail to give myself the credit I deserve, and I am positively certain I am not alone in this mistake. So often we willingly forget our past selves truly existed, separate them from the present, refuse to venture back and bask in the reality of times gone by, and in doing so, we negatively affect our self-perception. Remembering every part of yourself is overwhelmingly important, even if those memories feel like a knife twisting in your stomach, or make you squeeze your eyes tightly shut in a futile defense against your own thoughts, or cause intense emotions to flood back and pour out of your eyes. These moments, all of them, created the person you are now. The joyful, the miserable, the pretty, the ugly. Each one makes you up into you. To rid your mind of any one completely is to rid yourself of yourself.
A few years ago, I published this post, challenging myself and any readers to acknowledge the inevitability of change and take the initiative to shape themselves into something better. At that time in my life, I was in a rough place with myself and with those around me. I had just toughed it through The Worst Year of my mental health journey (it remains so to this day), and was not sure if I would be capable of preventing such an episode from happening again. I didn’t feel in control of my mind or my emotions or my life, I didn’t know what I needed to do, and I didn’t think I had a clue how to successfully do these things I needed to do if I ever discovered what they were.
This is the problem of initial self-underestimation, and it stands as a detrimental obstacle when striving to achieve growth. When trekking through a trial, I often jump to the conclusion that I am much too under-qualified to dig myself out of said dilemma, when more often than not I am completely capable of overcoming anything life sends my way, if only I have the appropriate environment and mental stamina to do so. As it turns out, I was absolutely able to survive those miserable moments (I’m here now, to prove it) and as a result, I came out of that time as a stronger human being with the newfound realization of my capabilities and strength.
Unfortunately, a problem lies in the combination of what I mentioned earlier; I disassociate my present self from my past self, therefore forgetting the strength I have already demonstrated against adversity. This disassociation probably arises because of the twisting knives, the squeezing eyelids, the cries that arise when I think back on those times of pain that I wish to never experience again. A coping mechanism to avoid excessive pain as a result of past pain.
But, I have learned that to come to terms with the past and allow it to help you cope with the present is crucial. Recognize your past perseverance and give yourself the credit for such an accomplishment, whether your endurance was exemplified by the survival of a cruel relationship or losing someone near and dear to your heart, achieving a long-desired ambition through determination or successfully maneuvering your way through independent life for the first time. Any proof of progress is a great triumph, big or small, and deserves to be acknowledged whole-heartedly.
Since that post in two thousand and fourteen, I am pleased to look back and see how far I have come, even though the recollection of before stings, I must remind myself where I am today in relation to then. If I feel like I am heading back to that dark place, or something similar, I tend to forget my fortitude and focus on my feasible failure, when I should instead be reminded that I have succeeded once before, and can do so once again. With each hardship I face, I strengthen my mind and soul. If you are alive at this moment, you too have the power and strength inside of you to carry on. You’ve done it before and you can do so again. Give yourself the credit, you have the credentials to conquer anything, you just might not realize it quite yet.